3 Approaches to Use When Your Child is Getting Little Playing Time

We all want our children to play the biggest role within the team. Getting into the game as much as possible or we will settle for everyone getting even playing time. At the youth levels of sports where the outcome is irrelevant these wishes are reasonable. This is because it is less about winning than it is about learning the game.

This is not the case when the games start to matter.

Eventually all athletes get to a point in their sport where the games start to matter. The outcomes have impacts that are bigger than them. Eventually sports becomes more about winning than anything else. If the team is not winning, that means someone isn’t making money. And if someone isn’t making money, well, the lineup and coaching staff is going to change.

That leads the staff to make decisions on playing time. High performing players get more minutes than low performing players. Why? Because it gives the team a better chance to win. The other reason: the individuals getting the minutes are better than the others in the eye of the coach. Period.

The challenging part is if you are making it to these levels (HS, College and Professional) you child was at one point the best player on their team. Playing the star role. Then they got to where everyone was once the best. And now they find themselves in a depth role playing less.

Hard for the players, right? It is. I have been there. It sucks.

It not only sucks for players, it also sucks for us parents. For years they were conditioned to be involved in their child’s career. Placing our kids on the right teams, talking to the coach about what improvements are needed, lobbying for playing time and pushing to improve. Now, it isn’t on the parents anymore. It transfers unexpectedly to the player. Now the player needs to figure out what needs to be done, talk to the coach and earn more playing time. Or they accept the role they are in and thrive into a great player.

Either way, us as parents are going to want to get involved to figure out what is going on. This can turn into a tough situation very quickly. So before bulldozing your way into your child’s head, consider these three things:

Players need support, not another critic

There are plenty of people telling them what they are not doing correctly. Every single day they are being critiqued on or off the playing field. They do not need another critic. Especially if they are not used to being on the bench.

Be someone they can confide to with frustrations. Whether they are right or wrong that is the most important thing you can do.

Listen to them. Be empathetic to the situation.

By doing so they will see you as an ally who wants what is best for them. It will give you the trust needed for you to actually help.

Be part of the solution, not the problem

Think about it in your own life. If you are not performing well at work and your boss is letting you here it everyday. The stress level is up. You are feeling down. And then you get home to your partner or close friend. You open up about it. And they just kick you while you are down. Bury you some more. Do you really feel motivated to fix the issue? No, you just feel like shit.

Same situation with your child in a playing time situation. They are getting their ass kicked everyday for not being strong enough or their too slow. Pick your poison. So we don’t want to be a critic, but we also don’t want to let our children sit in their shit. They need to not feel sorry for themselves and get to work. And we can help with that.

By listening to them about what is going on, we can look at it from a place of clarity. If they are not strong enough, then lets not beat a dead horse for the next three months. How do we get stronger?

Come up with a plan that they can execute on. Sometimes they can’t see the solution because they are too in the weeds. By being on the outside looking in, we can bring them clarity to execute a solution. Then it is up to them to execute.

Have realistic expectations

Set your expectations in reality, not what you think they should be. When our expectations are off it causes issues in handling what is in front of us.

Watch the games. Use logic. Should they be playing more? How do they compare to the other players on the team? The other team? Trust the eye test.

Also, if your child is putting in the effort and doing everything they can, maybe this is who they are as a player. Maybe this is the highest level they can achieve. And that is OK. But don’t expect them to be the next professional all star when they are really a 3rd line HS player.

One last thought I will leave you with – is approach the situation with pride. Regardless of playing time, your child has reached the competitive levels of sport that many players don’t. Be proud of the effort and be the person you would want in your corner when facing a challenge. Sports can bring a relationship closer or tear it apart. Use this experience to have the relationship grow – its better than the latter.